100 George Carlin Funny Quotes On Religion, Stupid People

These George Carlin funny quotes on religion, government, and stupid people will make you laugh as well as think about things deeply.

George Denis Patrick Carlin was born on May 12, 1937, was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic, and author. Famous and remained in the controversies for his dark comedy and the reflections on politics, religions, and social taboo, Carlin is considered one of the most influential comedians of all time.

George Carlin Quotes About Life

His jokes were certainly aimed to provoke others but the hows and whys of it made him so exceptional. The Grammy-Award-winning star of 14 stand-up comedy specials on HBO taught us the power of words and how a person can use humor as a weapon.

George Carlin died on June 22, 2008, from cardiac failure at the age of 71.

He was the second on Comedy Central’s list of top 10 American comedians in 2004, posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor in 2008, and ranked second in number on the list of the 50 best stand-up comedians of all time by Rolling Stone magazine in 2017.

Here we are sharing a collection of George Carlin quotes on religion, government, and life for you to think deeply about the things you have never done before.

George Carlin Quotes

“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin

“A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.”
― George Carlin

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
― George Carlin

“I think I am, therefore, I am… I think.”
― George Carlin

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
― George Carlin

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
― George Carlin

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. ”
― George Carlin

“Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything.”
― George Carlin

George Carlin Religion Quotes

“How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.”
― George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
― George Carlin

“That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
― George Carlin

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
― George Carlin

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
― George Carlin

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ”
― George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
― George Carlin

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”
― George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
― George Carlin

“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
― George Carlin

Best George Carlin Quotes

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”
― George Carlin

“No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: ‘Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call the police.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
― George Carlin

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
― George Carlin

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
― George Carlin

“People can’t seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next “horrifying” event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound “heals” it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, “Let the scarring begin.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”
― George Carlin

“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”
― George Carlin

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
― George Carlin

George Carlin Government Quotes

“Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
― George Carlin

“Religion is just mind control. ”
― George Carlin

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”
― George Carlin

“I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there’s nothin’ like it. It’s a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking. ‘Aw, he’s a comedian. He’s just sayin’ that stuff.’ Good. That’s exactly what I want you to think.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
― George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
― George Carlin

“He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
― George Carlin

“I don’t know how you feel, but I’m pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.”
― George Carlin

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
― George Carlin

“Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain. ”
― George Carlin

George Carlin Funny Quotes

“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
― George Carlin

“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”
― George Carlin

“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”
― George Carlin

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
― George Carlin

“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. ”
― George Carlin

“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”
― George Carlin

“Electricity is really just organized lightning”
― George Carlin

“Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”
― George Carlin

“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn’t afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

George Carlin Quotes On Stupid People

“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”
― George Carlin

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
― George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
― George Carlin

“People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”
― George Carlin

“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”
― George Carlin

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
― George Carlin

“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“You show me a lazy prick who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. ”
― George Carlin

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.”
― George Carlin

George Carlin Famous One Liners

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
― George Carlin

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
― George Carlin

“I’m completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
… These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
certain death.”
― George Carlin

“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
― George Carlin

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
― George Carlin

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.”
― George Carlin

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
― George Carlin

“I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.”
― George Carlin

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
― George Carlin

George Carlin Sayings

“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”
― George Carlin

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”
― George Carlin

“I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.”
― George Carlin

“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”
― George Carlin

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
― George Carlin

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
― George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
― George Carlin

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”
― George Carlin

“Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they ‘ought to be.’ And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there’s a solution, you’re part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

George Carlin Death Quotes

“I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.”
― George Carlin

“And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It’s all very confusing.”
― George Carlin

“People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a ‘common purpose’. ‘Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they’re going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you’re really looking.”
― George Carlin

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. ”
― George Carlin

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
― George Carlin

“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”
― George Carlin

“Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
― George Carlin

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
― George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes About Life

“And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
― George Carlin

“I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason”
― George Carlin

“They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.”
― George Carlin

“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”
― George Carlin

“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”
― George Carlin

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”
― George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
― George Carlin

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet?”
― George Carlin

Did you like George Carlin Quotes About Life?

We all need to let loose and laugh at things once in a while and making other people laugh as well as think and find meaning behind your jokes is an exceptional talent George Carlin has. He made us notice the things we never did before in the form of his humor and this world will forever be grateful for this brilliant mind.

Pointing out the things which are influencing our society badly with humor is not an easy task to do. We hope these George Carlin quotes on life, religion and government will make you smile as well as share some important facts with you.

Do share your thoughts with us in the comment section and tell us which one was your favorite George Carlin quotes or if you want to ask any questions or have any query send them via Contact Us

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